Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dear Annie:


Dear Annie: Really confused on what to do right now. I have to figure out and make the biggest decision I've ever made. thanks - really confused

Dear Really Confused:
Look deep inside your heart and use every bit of your mind.
Big decisions are to be made in your life.
Talk to friends and family members, listen to everyone carefully.
Write out the pros and the cons for everything and weigh them honestly.
Take the time and listen to others, many others … several others.
It's your life, your decision.
Ask people who have "been there" and "did that."
Seek advice from those who have lived at least twice your life.
There is a reason for the saying, wise old owls.
No one wants you to fail.
Learn to pray, even attend a Church service.
Ultimately, it's your choice and you will have to live with it.
Not only today, tomorrow, but the years ahead.
Good luck. I will be praying for you.
~Annie



Monday, January 9, 2012

Noel'a



Hello!
I'm your Christmas puppy.
All I need is LOVE
Lots & Lots of LOVE!
Will you be my Christmas human?
I promise to love you
Very Very much, 
for as long as I live.
Noel'a

Sunday, January 8, 2012

On This Day


 I will boast, and I will brag
Twenty-two years ago today.
On this date, January eighth.
In an instant I learned the true meaning of love.
So many firsts, my heart was about to burst.
Ready or not, he decided to come.
I carried him for nine months, plus nine long days.
He stretched, he kicked, and I'm sure he cracked a rib.
I carried him in front, in back and even in my feet.
He refused to come on that cold December day.
He was waiting for the perfect day.
On this date, January eighth.
First time mom and a first time dad,
It was verified that we were a bit terrified.
I shook as they placed him in my arms,
His dark blue eyes met mine, it was divine.
A love so true and new,
I didn't know existed.
Until this date, January eighth.
First time parents, first true love.
Twenty-two years 
Passed so fast!
Seems like only yesterday.
What an amazing date,
January Eighth 

Friday, January 6, 2012

Blaze


Hiding in the back of my cage, I sat quivering while watching the huge beast enter and then grab one, and occasionally two, of my siblings and then they vanish. The monsters slip in, and slide back out, leaving before I can whimper a goodbye to my brothers. My family was being picked apart by these monsters as the day passed. I was the lucky one, the last one remaining. Our cage was cold and the stench left was the only thing left of my brothers and sisters. I'm the last of my family, only thing left are the memories. Hiding behind the remaining parts of our flattened bed, I shook and moaned. My brother Billy had spent hours tearing and pulling the stuffing out of this bed. Now I curl up behind it so frightened my bones hurt.

Feeling weaker every passing day, I had no appetite and felt no energy to move for a drink of water. Sleeping occupied my day and night, however I couldn’t tell day from night. There wasn't a window to see the light, just a bulb dangling from the ceiling above. My cage door opened and closed often, interrupting sleep, but no one entered except for the occasional food and water being tossed in clanking to the floor.

Mourning the loss of my family, missing them with my whole heart, I slept. Dreaming of the tug-a-war that I played with my siblings, the fights we would have over food, and when we slept we piled high on this single unstuffed square pillow thing. We didn't have much, but we had each other. My brother Ted ate most the food, a meal or two was missed because of him, but I sit here now aching for Ted.

The rattling of the door opening was followed by soft voices, two strangers entering my cage and sat. Without opening my eyes I knew they were monsters, I acted as if I were sleeping, but couldn't stop my body from stiffening. My hair on my back stood straight up and I forced myself to be brave and open my eyes.

Two sets of eyes were staring at me. The humans seem to whisper to one another as they sat looking at me. My eyes slowly focused on the two, they didn't seem to be monsters at all. One girl, one boy, sat smiling at me. I stood slowly and walked slower towards them hoping for a better smell, as I wondered why they decided to come here and invade my cage.

My nostrils flared trying to sort the strange new smells. The closer I inched my way, the smells got stronger. She had something very yummy in her fingers, she called it a treat. The boy had a new ball on a rope toy, like the one I played with Ted, but this one was new and wasn't shredded and the ball wasn't bald and broken. When they lifted their hands I crawled backwards and ran to my hiding place. Never taking my eyes off of them, scared they might capture me and take me out to the monsters that lived outside. The most curious thing was, these two intruders smelt like heaven to me.

The strangers left and I curled up for my nap. The floor seemed colder and harder than usual. I closed my eyes but my mind kept running with thoughts of these strangers that entered my cage. The girls smile was warm, friendly and her smell was what I imagined mothers would be. I don't remember my mother, but when I dreamt of a tender touch and wonderful smells I felt it was mother. The boy smelt of the earth, I bet he plays outside with friends and even chases balls. What were they doing in my cage? Were they thinking of taking me to the monsters outside?

The days and nights got longer and the cage got colder. What is my purpose, why am I here? Where did my family go, as I cried and howled to the light up above?

The cage door creaked open, making my body sit, my hair raised as I backed away slowly from the opening door. Two sets of blue eyes smiling down on me. Gentle, kind as they moved slowly to sit on my floor. It's the boy and the girl from days before. I can smell them; I can taste the treat with only the memory. The boy holds the same toy and this time offers it to me. I sniff and my whole body gives in to their kindness, to their light and warmth they bring into my dark cold life. I grab the toy with my teeth, whipping it left and right, then chase it, I'm so dizzy, and I sit. They laugh; I halt and look at them tilting my head from side to side. Fright, then flight is what the old me would have done, but this laughter was pure and welcoming. So, with the toy in my mouth, I pranced over to them letting them rub their paws all over me. It felt good, it smelt wonderful and an instant joy rang throughout my body. We played for hours before they left, and I cried howling to the ceiling and whimpering off to my cold corner.

Suddenly the door sprang open. The same boy and the girl walked back in placed a collar around my neck and he lifted me into his arms. I wasn't scared for the first time, my hair didn't stand up on my back and I was shaking but it wasn't fear. I was shaking with excitement! My body wiggled as they giggled. We walked out into the light of the bright ball, they call the sun, and with their arms around me I could tell I found my new family.


Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Big C



Closing my eyes, I lifted my face into the warmth of the sun. The salty wind rushed over my bare skin. Skin covered only by my favorite two piece suit. I sat on the bow of our 52 foot Gulf Star sailboat as it cut through the clear blue waters of the Caribbean. It was truly my favorite place to hang out when growing up on that sailboat. There wasn't a better place to let your mind free and get away from family in the tight quarters of our boat in which we called home.

The years spent on our boat were the leading cause of my skin cancer. Basil or Melanoma, my body has no predigest to which one, and it shows up whenever and wherever it wants. Not like my fellow cancer waiting roommates, I am thirty, sometimes forty years their junior. Skin cancer didn't wait on me, nor did it have any formal announcement, it just arrived.

Hearing the doctor say the C word, "you have cancer" doesn't get easier, it's less shocking, but the C word is becoming a nuisance and its not quite as easy as people say. "Skin cancer is no big deal, you just have it cut out and it's gone." I can't tell you how many dozen times I've heard that statement. If only they could walk in a skin cancer patients shoes, once! Not that I wish the C word on anyone, no way!

Reading and hearing stories of people battling cancer, makes my encounters with the big C seem like a walk in the park. I honestly couldn't imagine being so brave and so courageous. Through the throbbing of my ear, recovering from having a third hole punched out if it and reconstructive surgery ahead, I feel like a wimp, and can only sit feeling helpless as I pray for all cancer patients. Wishing I could be more like the brave people who are fighting a much bigger battle! However, no cancer is simply a "walk in the park" and no one should invalidate you.

Welcoming the rest, I sit feeling blood running into my inner ear and hoping for a fast recovery, and praying this will be my last encounter with the big C. Closing my eyes my mind drifts as I dream of the sun on my face and the breeze across my body. But this time I'm protected wearing sun screen, new fashionable sun protected clothing and a hat! 


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Trying to Hold It In

Twenty two years of being a mom and I'm still trying to figure it out.

 Until you're a parent the word love is tossed around, used and even abused. The creation and the unborn child gives you a glimmer of a glimpse of the real meaning of love. However, when he or she enters the world and is placed in your arms is when you realize any use of the word "love" prior had no meaning in comparison.

 It's not hard to figure out that a parents love for their child is unconditional and unbelievably strong. So, when a new parent boast and brag about their child's firsts, it's easy to smile and reminisce about your own children's firsts. It's almost painful to keep your stories inside.

 Brag in front of your adult or teen children and be prepared for some backlash. You're proud of them and you want everyone to know their talents and successes. But somewhere is drawn a very fine invisible line. Each child has a unique set of unwritten rules and boundaries that a parent must honor. My best advice is know their boundaries and seriously honor them, and do your best to respect them.

 Special talents are especially hard for a parent to hold in. It's cute to brag about your new born or toddler, it's annoying if they are any older. You might as well be saying, "my kids better than your kid." my children are talented in different ways, even talents I'm discovering as they become adults, but I didn't realize my friends were thinking to themselves, "kill me before she says anything else about another one of her children." I now try to Hold It In!

 Learning to hold it in! Painful, was learning that friends, even my closest friends, secretly didn't want to hear of my children's accomplishments. Serenity Prayer pops in my mind and I truly put these meaningful words to use.

 God, grant me the serenity to accept 
The things I can not change, 
Courage to change the things I can, 
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 Accept the things I can not change ... I'm not willing to drop my friends for how they feel, I love them for who they are, I'm not going to change them. I know I can change by being more sensitive on what topics I bring to the table. This would help not only my friendships but my trust and relationships with my children.

 The most important lesson learned is respecting my children's privacy and their boundaries. This respect would limit, if not omit, simply talking about my children to others. Twenty two years as a mom and I'm still learning in baby steps.

 Every parent with multiple children know that each child has different traits, attitudes and personalities. Boundaries vary with every child, rules change with age and each child demands fairness and equality between siblings. As impossible as it sounds, a parent tries their very best.

 Living and learning, learning is living! I've accepted the things I can not change in others and in myself. I'm working on my courage to change the things I can, and wisdom comes with age and in time to know the difference. Abiding by my children's unwritten rules, and my friends unspoken wishes, I can only grow with learning to Hold It In.

 'Hold It In' has brought my friends closer, gained more trust in my kids and actually it has made my heart grow. I'm truly bursting with pride. Some things in life are worth the silence, it's taken me years to realize its significance and I know I'm still learning to Hold It In.